Tuesday, December 24, 2002

I steal children's music books. ::weep bit-ter-ly:: It runs in the family... Andrew's a klepto when it comes to giant Christmas books. ye-s.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Eh, lately i've been hearing things like "everything happens for a reason" and "well, it's fate" from many different sources. I've been hearing comments like those so often that I've started to believe them and, thusly, begin questioning the silly events surrounding my life.

bad april. bad bad bad.

should i believe my friend when he says he's experienced a miracle, listening as he explains how he got the same amount of money in the mail that he needs for a project? or should i believe someone when he says that me not doing well on my calc. final is a working of fate(you know who you are! =P )? no, i shouldn't... If i get a B in calc it's because i'm stupid and/or lazy, not because the force behind physics deemed it so. =/

okay, maybe if someone pulls you out of a burning building or if, in attempting to shoot yourself on a rooftop, you, completely nervous, end up only grazing yourself with the bullet and falling backwards onto the roof (intsead of forward, off the roof), that's fate. Or maybe fate doesn't work for me, being an unspectacular person. I'd think fate only applies to either spectacular people or spectacular circumstances, not something silly like myself. If everything does happen for a reason, perhaps some of those reasons are trivial; not everything is directly/indirectly caused by something as ethereal as fate.

Soooo, perhaps, if my friend is a spectacular person, his money-in-the-mail thing might be a working of fate. buut.... that doesn't apply to me.

hey maybe not everything happens for a reason! wow! could it possibly be that some things are RANDOM? could it be that, at least sometimes, it just isn't fate?

by the way, that failed attempt at suicide happened to beethoven's nephew, if i remember correctly. correct me if i'm wrong.

Friday, December 13, 2002

Wow. I must sound like a spoiled, rich brat whining about how my dad can't afford piano lessons for my brother. i mean, i am, but damn. sorry about that.
a sad day.

My dad told andrew that he had to quit piano... andrew's taking it really hard... and i can feel my dad in pain too, but andrew doesn't seem to be able to feel that... hum.

i'm not sure if my brother knows... how much it aches, physically and emotionally, to be working 2 jobs and still not be able to provide everything that your family wants. andrew doesn't seem to realize it, but he's making my dad feel very very guilty... but, really.... my dad's 64 and he's having a new child; andrew needs to understand that, even amidst all our luxury, we can't afford piano lessons. We're so used to living well that our current situation almost seems like our marginal propensity to consume (we've tried cutting back on some expenses, but to no avail), and my dad, along with everyone else, really doesn't want to give anything up. i understand that andrew's willing to give up nearly everything to continue piano, but i can't say the same for the rest of the family, including my dad. my dad does not want to be eating top ramen when he should be eating more healthily; ironically, andrew's the one that consumes the most. really, though, i don't think neither andrew nor i should ask any more than food and shelter, considering all the sacrifices my dad's already made for us.

my dad's starting to feel old...and inadequate...and....andrew needs to stop making him feel guilty... but... piano is akin to andrew's life... but...

even harder to know that my piano teacher is one of the very few people andrew feels close to and connects with

i had to make the call because andrew couldn't... he just plain could not tell her

money is an ugly, ugly thing.

somewhere, deep down... i know that my dad feels guilty and will probably give andrew the chance not to quit... and i know that my brother will probably take that chance... and that makes me feel very very low. very low.

Saturday, December 07, 2002

hum... andrew chooses to argue/discuss the weirdest things with me at the most inconvenient times.... argh... it's very... unsettling... It's like... he thinks he's moving major ground, but I'm not sure that he is, but i almost wish he were... hum.

At any rate, ecology club's attendance at the Earth Resource human broom clean up was very inspiring. =)