Monday, September 16, 2002

Oh, right, maybe it's a good thing i may not be around for most of my step-sibling's life... i'm such a crappy sister... =P No, really... I do such mean things to andrew... i dunno how he puts up with me... I antagonize him for my own amusement (and he thinks i'm serious), I'm especially sarcastic towards him because he hates it, i interrupt him (because it particularly annoys him), i yell for no reason (just to piss him off), i can create hysteria while he's working (i did that once when his contact became stuck in his eye.... now he won't wear contacts... i don't know whether those two facts are correlated, but i'm blaming myself anyway), i insult him when i'm angry (someone remind me to tell him that i'm not serious when i say things; he oftentimes takes me seriously when i'm not, and blows me off when i'm being serious), i'm messy, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I'm sure the list of grievances against myself against my brother goes on and on, but thinking about it makes me want to smack myself in the head harder than i just have. Whoooooops, i forgot why i was up... test today. >.<, ha.

Sunday, September 15, 2002

Yay, my uncle came and visited today =) He's having problems at home and is going to be coming here 'bout every week or so. With my grandma home, my step-mom around, seka's continuous calls, sean's random calls, the continual mention of my aunts', and my uncle's frequent visits, I'm getting a stronger sense of's great! =D
I'm so lucky...

Hum... I was listening to my dad and my uncle talk things over and i, again, came to the conclusion that HUMANS ARE CRUEL. And i wonder if this works... i am cruel, therefore, i'm human? nah, that doesn't work. does it?

On a different note (yea?), I think the reason the new-child thing is so shocking to me is because my dad was continually insulting her and talking about sending my step-mom back to the Philippines. Of course, that's out of the question now. =)

Friday, September 13, 2002

today i found out that my step-mom will be two months pregnant on September 30th.

wow. hummm.... i'm all mixed-feeling-ed.... having a new little brother/sister when i'm already 18... strange. I'd like the situation much better if my brother and I weren't possibly leaving in a couple years; I don't like the idea of being the big sister younger sibling never sees, hardly knows, and never is around. How can I be supportive if I'm not living in the same house (supportive in my idea of immediate family)? Although I doubt that I will be as close to my step-sibling as my brother (practically every day is a day of bonding), I'd like to be around for his/her childhood.

Sigh, blah, perhaps I'm being selfish. I want to be a part of too many peoples' lives. I don't know if I even have the capability to care for so many people; I wonder if there is a limit to the amount (quantity and intensity) of love a person can give. With myself, i wouldn't be surprised. With some others, i would be shocked. Hum. I suppose time would be one of the greater restrictions... there seems to be a limited amount of time I want to donate to people before wanting to be by myself.

I don't know. Maybe I'm jealous that my brother and i won't be my dad's little ones any more. Maybe I'm pre-assuming too much responsibility. If I worry over her/him as much as i worry over andrew, i'm going to worry myself to death, considering andrew doesn't do much to worry anyone and I'm still worry wart-ing. Andrew obviously takes better care of himself than i do of myself, but still... i can't help it...

I wonder how this child is going to grow up, virtually an only child (i mean, no peer consistantly around to relate to) and father already 54. I want to stay and help my parents out for the next 17 years, but, simultaneously, I'd love to be away. Crazy.